The Bub in the Belly

Saturday was a day of sisterly love as a small group of my dear friends came over to see Rachel. It was a mini reunion for us as well, as some of us had not seen each other for years (although we keep in touch over the internet and phone).

This is about half of our "gang" - three of us live in Singapore, one flew in from Hong Kong and one came in from Johor, Malaysia just for this meetup. We call ourselves "budakkampung" - meaning "village kids". Most of the other half of the "gang" is based in Malaysia, with a couple of others in Riyadh and Jakarta. I'll be meeting up with the Malaysia-based ones later in the month.

Everytime we snapped a photo, you'd find us all tuned to our smartphones to send the photos to the rest of the gang and see their messages in reply. It's pretty amazing how our friendship has lasted through so many decades and despite being scattered over so many countries. I hope my children will have something like that for themselves when they grow up.

We sat around the dining table and chatted the afternoon away from about 1 pm till about 5 pm. And we ate - boy, did we eat! We ate curry chicken with rice and bread, chicken rice, two types of noodles, three flavours of ice-cream, a ton of fruit, followed by a big slice of cake. Yup, we took the opportunity to have an early and mini full month celebration for baby Rachel.


"Aunty" Josie

"Aunty" Sheri

Oh, this one is not an "auntie" - this is one of my friend's daughters, Ashley!




As they left, Ee Fann popped by to give us goodies to celebrate his daughter's full month - Zi Ern was born on 7 June. Thanks Ee Fann and Shann!

Here's Rachel's birth story, which is pretty short: When my waterbag broke a little after 9 am, I was 3 cm dilated. I then fully dilated in less than 4 hours. We had to wait another hour for everyone else to get ready (maybe because it was lunch time, haha). At about 2 pm, we got down to it. I pushed through one full contraction and Rachel popped out on the second contraction at 2.05 pm! I was amazed at how smooth and quick it was - all credit goes to the fantastic team of nurses in the delivery room who monitored and managed the process.

This is Richard and my tummy, waiting in the labour ward. That thing on me is to monitor the baby's heartbeat. Richard is reading one of his graphic novels.

Rachel was such a quiet baby when she came out, still very sleepy and lethargic. Actually, when she was still inside me, she was pretty relaxed travelling down the birth canal, even falling asleep on the job at times.


When she came out, she let out just a tiny gentle cry. Such a ladylike baby! Unfortunately, her little kitten cry wasn't enough to fully open up her lungs and airways, so she was sent to NICU for monitoring for "wet lung". We were assured that everything would be fine because she was all pink and rosy (not blue or dusky) but it was still a little nerve-wracking. Within the hour, Richard was called to the NICU and I was left in the labour ward, wondering and worrying! The nurses had estimated that they would monitor for two to three hours and not even an hour had gone by - I was really worried that something unexpected had cropped up. Turned out that they asked him to go there just to tell him that she was back on track and was absolutely fine! They sent her back to us once the paediatrician came by to check her and to approve her discharge from NICU.


The paediatrician did say that for babies who are slow to cry and open up their airways/lungs, there is a chance that they will also be slow to clear their liver, thus developing jaundice. He reassured us that, since Ryan didn't develop jaundice, then it could be that Rachel wouldn't. True enough, she didn't.

The day after the delivery was social-day - we received visitors from morning till night. To everyone who came and everyone who sent their well wishes and gifts - thank you so much!

We spent two nights in Gleneagles, with Richard and Ryan staying over on both nights. We had booked a single room but, as there were none available, we were given the luxury of a double room without a roommate. This meant that Richard had a proper bed to sleep in (Ryan slept with me). I thoroughly enjoyed my stay in the hospital, just like I did when I delivered Ryan - again, all credit to the wonderful staff there. This is me, well taken care of by the team at Gleneagles.


As Rachel had fully recovered from "wet lung" (the syndrome poses no long-term effects) and showed no signs of jaundice, we were discharged as per schedule on Wednesday. We went back to see the paediatrician on Friday - Rachel was already back at her birth weight of 2.98 kg, nursing (and poo-ing) well.


As for me, recovery has been so fast - I was up and running in no time! And boy, have I been up and running!

I am going through the Chinese confinement, but there have been things to do, places to go and people to meet, so I've been out of the house more days than I have stayed in. Richard's family (7 of them) arrived from Malaysia on the Friday after Rachel was born and stayed till Sunday, so we were out everyday with them and yes, baby Rachel came along. In addition to that, there've been lots of stuff happening. I feel great, energetic and happy. In fact, being outside, just walking about and getting some exercise, feels good.

This is me, last Friday.  


Rachel goes everywhere I go, so she has been a busy busy busy baby! Since her discharge from the hospital, she has been out to the playground, a yacht marina and to a five-star hotel. She has patronised a Japanese restaurant, a Chinese restaurant, a seafood restaurant and a fast food restaurant (KFC of course). She has modelled for three photoshoots and accompanied her brother to a casting for an advertisement. She slept through most of it of course but still - this is one rockin' baby!

Here's a great follow-up to yesterday's post.

Last night, the baby cried for milk while Ryan and I were reading in bed. Ryan nudged me to pick her up. I put her to my breast, offered Ryan the other breast and the three of us laid down in bed next to Richard, the baby on my chest, Ryan in the crook of my arm. I hugged both of my children, rubbed their heads, stroked their faces and arms and told them I loved them. It was a wonderful feeling.

Slowly, Ryan reached out to his sister and gently, so very gently, put his hand on her head. It's hard to adequately describe the moment - it was pretty magical. I kept quiet, watching to see what would happen next. Ryan relaxed, closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

People have been asking how Ryan has been taking to the new addition to the family. Depending on who is asking, I don't really know how to answer this question. Most people have a fixed idea of how an older sibling must behave or react in order to qualify as having accepted or adjusted well to the little one. If I tell them that he doesn't jump to her side when she's crying, will they think that he doesn't care? Will that be fair to Ryan, to give that sort of impression?

Hmm, one paragraph in and I realise that this is not an easy post to write. I do recognise that the majority of people do things differently from us - and so I hope everyone reading this will not take it as a criticism of methods that are different from ours. I'm just penning down what we do and the reasons why. The fact that our methods tend to be different is not a judgment or criticism of what others do. So please don't send me any hate mail. :-)

Ok, let's talk about Ryan's reaction.

Ryan has been very accepting of the baby. He hasn't been throwing tantrums, he's just the same as before. He doesn't push her about, he doesn't throw stuff at her or anything like that. In fact, he's extremely gentle with her. He has also noticed her umbilical cord stump still on, which seems to make him even more gentle, avoiding that area at all costs.

I think he's a little uneasy or nervous to get physical with her and I would think this is completely natural - he has zero experience handling babies after all. I still recall Richard's first time carrying Ryan in his arms as a newborn - the man was definitely a little nervous! I like to think that this nervousness is borne of an understanding that the baby needs to be handled with a lot of care, so I'm actually really happy to see Ryan display that level of understanding.

Some children love to take care of others, being in charge, etc. These children jump right into their big brother/sister role. Ryan is not at that stage yet, or perhaps he is not that sort at all. But yes, I've seen Ryan pat the baby when she cries, which is something that he probably learned from his nanny (who is now looking after a baby as well), and yes, he does kiss her. But he doesn't kiss her all the time, or hug her all the time, or sit next to her all the time. So it would not be completely honest for me to tell you that yes, he kisses her, or pats her, or that he is affectionate with her.

A better way to put it, is that he is being very cautious. And that is completely in line with the Ryan we know. He is handling this new relationship the same way that he handles all relationships - seeking to first observe and understand while keeping an open mind and heart, and showing compassion and gentleness.

Ok, now let me talk about how Richard and I have approached it.

For most children, their parents lay the groundwork early. While the mother is still pregnant with the second, the older one is prepped about "meimei" or "didi" (Chinese terms for younger sister / younger brother). The older one is told that he/she must help to take care of the newborn, that the older one must love the newborn, etc. Then when the baby arrives, they continue with these instructions. I'm not against this. Some children respond happily to these sort of instructions. Some children are comforted by the structure/training that is provided - they don't feel so overwhelmed, they know what to do with the newborn, they have a sort of safety line to hold onto.

We didn't do any of that. Those of you who know us well will know that's not part of our parenting philosophy. In fact, even after the baby arrived, we still don't. We want to keep things extremely simple for him. Having a new addition to the family is an overwhelming experience in itself, even without all the "you must be gentle with meimei", "give meimei a kiss". We want to filter out all the unnecessary noise and focus on the thing that mattered - letting the two children get to know (and hopefully accept and love) each other on their own terms, in their own time.

So, we don't ask Ryan to do anything with the baby. We don't tell him to hug, kiss or pat, or even sit next to, the baby. We don't create a situation where he might feel that he is expected to act in a certain way.

When speaking to Ryan, we seldom refer to the little baby as his sister. Why? First of all, the term "sister" is meaningless to him. It's not a switch that turns on brotherly love or affection. I should add that Ryan doesn't hug or kiss strangers, so we don't expect him to hug and kiss the little one just because she is his sister. Sister or not, she is still a stranger. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't tell your older one that the younger one is a sister/brother - what I'm saying is that it is only a factual label. People have been going up to him and telling him that he must love the baby because she is "meimei" or that he must do this or that, or he can't do this or that, because she is "meimei" - if I were him, I'd find it a little annoying, almost a chore. As a parent, I find that this creates unnecessary expectations and stress. Whatever he chooses to do is entirely up to him. No push, no stress.

So things are going well but it's still early days. I'm sure that we will be in many situations where we'll struggle going uphill, but for now, it's peaceful and good.

2.98 kg, 50 cm
18 June 2012, 2:05 pm
Magical

Dear Ryan

Your mommy is very bold. She's asked me to write to you about having a new sibling. And she's someone who knows the depth of the darkest feelings I harbor for my one and only sister. She's also very wise, for she must have realized I've become (somewhat) wiser and more appreciative of this other person I shared a womb with. 

You see Ryan, in my younger days my sister and I fought like bats out of hell. I was often resentful at how my parents could let her get away with things. As the elder child, I somehow took it upon myself to carry my weight where house chores were concerned. My sister not only failed to do her part, she often left behind a trail of destruction for others to pick up after her. It sounds very petty all these years later, I suppose my sense of fairness was severely offended back then. And the perpetrators being my parents for not holding her accountable. 

In moments of madness I even blamed my parents for conceiving my sister. For thinking that I had not been sufficiently entertaining hence the need to get another child. Yes, having a sibling from hell can wreck havoc on one's logic. Ryan, you'd be surprised how different you and your sibling can be despite sharing the same parents, the same genes and the same upbringing. 

At this point Ryan, you would wisely be contemplating my role in what must have been a pretty disastrous relationship between two sisters. I have to confess I had failed to put myself in her shoes. To consider what it must have felt like to be bossed about, and to be shunned emotionally. 

For all our differences, the frayed bonds holding us together is a whole lot tougher than I would have thought. After years of fighting, grievances and cold wars, we have learnt to deal with it by respecting our differences. To a large extent, this truce hinges on not pressing the wrong buttons. And I assure you, as siblings you know exactly which button is a detonator.

Now that my parents are in their twilight years, it is especially comforting to have my sister as a confidant and to share the responsibilities. Her personality is very different from mine, and that can bring a much needed alternate perspective in caring for our parents. It's interesting how those character differences which once infuriated me, now keeps me sane when the going gets tough.

Ryan, I don't have any words of wisdom to impart. As the saying goes, we choose our friends but not our family. I have faith that by the wisdom of your parents, you and your sibling could very well be the best of friends.