Sometimes I look at my little son and I wish I could freeze time.
I pack away clothes that he's outgrown, toys that he no longer plays with, little mittens, little socks. Every new piece of clothing means he is a little older, a little less a baby. Every new pair of shoes is a reluctant step for me. It's great that he's growing up well, but there's always a tinge of loss.
I want him to always be this exuberant, this reckless, this innocent, this loving, little boy. Untouched, unblemished, unjaded. I watch him skip and dance on the path, making sure that he never misses a puddle. I pick him up and feel him sink into my body and I hug him tighter knowing that there will soon be a day when he won't need a lift anymore. I throw him in the air and swing him about, watching his face light up with a huge grin, all the while trusting that I will not let him fall. I never want to risk losing that trust.
When we're reading, he wants to sit on my lap or pressed right up against my side. He takes my hands and insists that I keep them wrapped around him. When I fetch him from his nanny's place, he greets me with a tight hug. He may be preoccupied with something but he still wants us to hold hands. When he sleeps, he needs my arms around him. He fits perfectly in the crook of my arm. He can't get enough of me and I can't get enough of him. Please can it stay like that for always?
Everytime he says a new word, it hits me like a brick. It's happening, whether I like it or not. He recites the days of the week and the months of the year and I praise him, marvelling at how he learned them after his nanny recited them just twice. Inside, I'm silently screaming "Stop!". I hear him say, "Mama" and I tell him to say it over and over again. I tell him "I love you, I love you, I love you" - I can't say it enough.
I look at the three of us, our little happy family and I think of how these precious moments will eventually become happy memories stored under "the way it used to be". Memories from a time gone by. I know there is a lot more down the road, a lot more happiness, a lot more joy. Many more moments waiting to become happy memories. But sometimes, I just want time to stop. I tell myself to slow down, to stop worrying about the future, to savour every moment of these tender years. To hang on tight to this amazing feeling.
Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain
- from "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas
2 comments:
Thank you for such a beautiful post! Love the pictures, all very precious indeed.
No need to freeze time, cos the future is definitely happier and brighter.
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