One of the more popular posts on this blog is this post in April 2011 about what Ryan gets up to at his nanny's place. I've received not only post comments, but also private emails, and it's also been brought up in conversation with friends a few times. Following a recent query from an anonymous commenter, I thought I'd pen down the things that we were looking out for when we were searching for a nanny for Ryan.
First, let me tell you how we found her. We placed an ad on the internet (gumtree), which was picked up by Ryan's nanny's daughter. We got calls from a few other people, but because of location or lack of experience, they were not suitable. When Ryan's nanny called, the boxes got ticked (experience, location) so we asked if we could visit her at her place and she agreed. At the time, she was not looking after any children. We visited and had a chat about her experience and her family. We raised a few queries and asked if she could handle our requirements (which were not many). It wasn't a very probing "interview" - we spent most of it just pleasantly chatting about children in general, just seeing if we clicked with her and her with us.
Her place was calm and peaceful and Ryan slept in my arms throughout our chat. Towards the end of our conversation, I put Ryan in her arms. She cradled him naturally, my sleeping child, spoke quietly to him, stroked his head, and couldn't take her eyes off him. Ryan snuggled in close and continued sleeping without a care.
Up till that point, apart from Richard and I, nobody had handled Ryan in that calm, gentle, focused manner. Other people, including relatives, bounced him up and down in their arms, talking to me without looking at him. When they did look at him, they talked about his features and dispensed advice, but they were talking to me, they never talked to Ryan. They held him without feeling any connection, and treated him as if he was unaware of what was happening, as if there was no point interacting with him because he was too young to understand.
This lady, Ryan's nanny-to-be, a perfect stranger, held him with such tenderness and looked at him with such wonder in her eyes, interacting with him and treating him like a person, never mind that he was asleep, so much so that you got the impression that this baby must be so very precious and special (as all babies are).
I knew, right there and then, that she was the right person to care for our son.
We procrastinated confirming the deal, not because we had any doubts about her, but because we couldn't bear to think about the moment of parting. Still, the day for me to go back to work crept up on us and I had to face the fact. As luck would have it, by that time, we had misplaced her number! My reluctance was then replaced by panic at the possibility that she might have found another ward and we would have to search all over again. God intervened at this point because she called us! She asked if we were still interested and we told her, oh yes!
So that was how Ryan found his nanny. She was the only person we "interviewed" and she fit the bill perfectly. The ultimate seal of approval for us was when strangers came up to us to fawn over Ryan and, upon learning that a nanny takes care of him while we work, told us that he looks well taken care of and that his nanny must be very good. This has happened a few times, in fact.
So what should you look out for? I've set out below a list of the things that matter to us. I acknowledge that we did not have many requirements, so the list below is not exhaustive, and it may not even be very helpful to some. I guess much depends on you and your child, your child's needs and your circumstances. This is perhaps the very basic criteria. Ok, here goes.
1. Time flexibility and proximity to home/work. Most of the infantcare centres insist that you pick up your child by 7 pm, and we could not do that. The official arrangement with Ryan's nanny is anytime from 8 am to 8 pm, but we usually send him around 9 am and we have picked him up later than 8 pm on occasion. She is always understanding when we are late. If we are going to be very late, we will call ahead to check if that's ok. She lives somewhere between our home and our offices, so it is perfectly convenient to fetch him to and fro, or to get to her place in case of any emergency.
2. Experience. We do take her advice on issues, we are not too proud to do so, and that's the whole point of getting someone with experience - she knows what she is doing. Proficiency in handling the baby and taking care of the baby's basic needs is a given, of course. The nanny should also know how to recognise an emergency and what to do. Apart from those obvious points, experience is also crucial so that she knows what is "normal" or not and can pick up any signs that your child may possibly be suffering from development delays and/or medical disorders.
3. Chemistry with the child. This is the intangible X-factor. Some people have the ability to soothe a child and calm a child instantly, and they just have that special connection. Since he was an infant, Ryan has been able to communicate with his nanny without straining - she knows what he is thinking and feeling without him having to express or say it. She, in turn, can communicate effectively with him. Basically, Ryan is comfortable with her. Also, as I mentioned above, I like the way that Ryan's nanny interacts with him, treating him like a person, talking to him even though he may not yet fully understand the words that are being said. She gives him attention and respect, and shows him empathy and understanding. This created an emotionally secure environment and helped a bond to form quickly between them.
4. Chemistry with the parents. We needed someone who spoke English because Richard and I speak mainly English. I don't mind if she uses other languages or dialects with Ryan, that's perfectly fine. I only need her to talk to ME in English because that's the limit of my ability. More importantly, although Richard and I never discussed it, I guess we were looking for someone who would handle Ryan the way we handle him - being calm and firm, but not fierce and iron-fisted. Certainly not someone who was overly concerned about petty or superstitious things, always worried that the child cannot do this or that, or cannot eat this or that because of some bizarre outdated belief or practice. Essentially, someone who was on the same page as us. We didn't want to be constantly "fighting" with the nanny over little issues, giving rise to tension between us. One interesting thing I will mention is that, I have never noticed any childproofing measures in Ryan's nanny's place (to this day) - and I like that! Ryan is allowed to roam around and touch anything he wants, climb up on chairs, open drawers and explore freely. It also means that he is supervised closely. We apply the same philosophy in our own home.
5. Environment. Apart from cleanliness and (less) noise, what one looks for may differ from parent to parent, so I'll just say that you may want to consider factors such as the presence of other people living there, the family's lifestyle, the environment outside the house (ie. the neighbourhood), the languages/dialects they speak, maybe even their religion, etc. For us, we were not bothered about a lot of these things (and nothing seemed out of the ordinary when we visited). We were simply looking out for a clean, peaceful and welcoming home, a place where Ryan would feel comfortable and safe. We were lucky that all the other factors fell into place.
6. Specific requirements. Either you or the nanny or both of you may have specific requirements. We had just one - Ryan would take breastmilk and only breastmilk (until we felt he was ready for solids, of course). Ryan's nanny was not familiar with handling breastmilk, but she was willing to learn (and really, the only thing she had to learn was how to store it). Some parents may have requirements like not bringing the baby outside, must nap/bathe at a specific time, morning must eat this and afternoon must eat that, cannot watch TV or can only watch programmes selected by the parents, etc. Personally, I think that, apart from medically prescribed dietary requirements or if your child has special needs, the parents should adopt a hands-off approach. I mean, you're trusting this woman with your child, basically putting his life in her hands for 8-12 hours, and you still want to dictate what time to bathe the child? Forgive me for being blunt, but it sounds ridiculous. Which brings me to the last point...
7. Trust. At the end of the day, will you be able to trust this person with your child? Richard and I trust Ryan's nanny completely, without reservation. We are absolutely confident that he will be well taken care of. I have never felt the need to question her judgment or to dictate her actions. I have never called her to check on Ryan, not even on the first day that we sent him to her. We brought him there, gave him a hug and a kiss, placed him in her arms, and left straightaway. After work, we came by and picked him up. He was clean, fed, rested, happy and content, and that was all that mattered. That's the whole point of taking the trouble to choose a nanny with experience and who meets all your criteria - so you can then step back and let her do what she does.
I will add that, the parent-nanny relationship is just as important as the nanny-child relationship. Even if you're hard on everyone in your life, your child's nanny is the last person that you should be hard on. If you are hard on her, or unpleasant or difficult, you'll likely end up needing her more than she wants you. So, if you do find a suitable nanny that meets all your criteria, play your part and be reasonable, be understanding, be nice, and pay her on time!
That's all I can think of, and I hope that helps. All the other stuff that I mentioned in my April 2011 post - the different activities that Ryan gets up to with his nanny, the mental stimulation and the social interaction he receives, the bond that he shares with his nanny and her family, the toys/clothes/books/videos that they buy for him - honestly there was no way that we could have known all that when we started this partnership, when Ryan was 16 weeks old. There's no way you can be sure how it's all going to turn out. There is no guarantee that things will still work out when your child is 6 months old, 1 year old or 2 years old, when his needs change. No matter whether the nanny is new to you or is someone familiar, there is always going to be a leap of faith that you need to take. The only things that will remain constant, and which I believe are the things that matter, are the things I've set out above, so get those things right, and have faith that everything else will fall into place.
Ryan goes to a nanny when I am at work. One question that I get very often is, what does Ryan do there all day?
There seems to be a genuine concern that he isn't doing anything and that he isn't getting any mental stimulation or social interaction and there is an assumption that, because he is not in school, he is not maximising his potential.
Typically I get these questions from my friends here in Singapore. In fact, I've never been asked such questions by friends outside Singapore. In Singapore, when I mention our plans to send Ryan to school when he is 4 or 5 years old, there is a short awkward silence. After all, it is fairly unusual in Singapore.
There are countless pre-schools here that have seized the chance to capitalise on early childhood education, bringing forward the enrolment age earlier and even earlier. As recent as one generation ago, people were still enrolling their children at 5 and 6 years old, but in the last ten to fifteen years, the craze has gained phenomenal momentum and it has now become the default to enrol children at 2-3 years old. It is accepted without question by many parents that, since pre-schools have a class for this age, their children should be in it.
Personally, I can't see what happened to human evolution in the last ten to fifteen years that led us to conclude that human beings need as much help as we can get, as early as we can get it, hence the need for schooling at 2-3 years old. But well, that's how things are over here, no matter how inexplicable. Here's some trivia: read this 2008 BBC article for the historical reasons why children were sent to school at an early age (5 years) - one of the reasons was to get them away from the negative influence of their irresponsible parents!
Anyway, in Singapore, I find myself in the strange position of having to justify why I choose to keep Ryan out of pre-school until he is older. And when I say older, I am only talking about 4 or 5! It is the opposite when I speak to friends outside Singapore - I have to justify why my son is attending enrichment classes at the tender age of 2!
I'm not knocking people who send their children to pre-school at 2/3. Everyone has a different perspective and different circumstances and every parent has the right to decide what's best for the child. What's right for my son may not be right for their child and vice versa. This is my perspective and my choice for my son.
So how do I explain why I keep him out of school? Well, let me say that it is not easy because my answers are not the answers that these concerned people are looking for. They have a mental checklist of what a child should be doing or learning and my answers don't always fit on that checklist. His nanny doesn't have a curriculum or a syllabus that I can refer to and tick off.
To me, the huge benefit of spending the day at his nanny's is that he has formed a strong and loving relationship with his caregiver and he is surrounded with love and attention the whole day. There is a ton of research on how insecure attachment with a caregiver can prevent a child from forming healthy relationships with others. Loving care and attention are needed if children are to grow into adults capable of forming healthy relationships with others. Of course, Ryan has a secure relationship with Richard and me but that's not the issue here. The issue here is whether he is better off in school or at his nanny's. On this point, his nanny wins hands down.
However, this answer is usually not satisfactory to other people. It is too intangible. They want to know what Ryan is "doing". It doesn't count unless he is actually "doing" something. They usually bring up terms like mental stimulation and socialisation. So, let me jot down my response here as a note to myself.
First, mental stimulation.
Ryan is constantly exposed to language and conversation while at his nanny's. When he was learning his first words, his nanny taught him "flower", "ball", "bye bye", and a lot more. A couple of months ago, she told me that Ryan pointed up in the sky and said "Bird fly" (Ryan has yet to put together a sentence in my conversations with him). She taught him that he should go on the potty when he needs to "Ng Ng".
She buys books for him (at her own expense) and reads with him. She buys all kinds of toys for him (again, at her own expense) and many of these are toys which I would have chosen myself. I understand that he does watch some programmes on the telly - some Hi-5, some Spongebob, some Barney and some other children's programmes, but I think he doesn't get a lot of TV time because he is completely uninterested when we come across Spongebob or Barney in the stores. At the moment, he only has eyes for Elmo and since there are no Sesame Street programmes on television now, he definitely did not develop Elmo love from watching television.
When I pick Ryan up in the evening, he is usually playing. I have seen him playing with a shape sorter and some Lego. I have seen him running around throwing and catching a ball and dunking it into the basketball hoop. I have seen him cuddling and taking loving care of a soft toy. I have seen him dancing around to music. I have seen him yelling out the letters while watching Wheel of Fortune. I have seen him pretend to answer and talk on the telephone. I have seen him chuckling while watching Sesame Street on Youtube. I have seen him cuddling under a blanket on a mattress in the living room with his nanny. All great learning through play!
Of course, Ryan has got the stability of a routine at his nanny's. When he is dropped off in the morning, he gets his bath, then his lunch, some playtime and then it's naptime. Then, bath again, milk, playtime, dinner if I'm late and more playtime till I fetch him. He is also exposed to the daily rhythm of a household. He has never been put in a playpen and he is given the full run of the house. He sees his nanny cleaning the house, hanging the laundry, cooking lunch and dinner and answering the door/telephone and he normally wants a piece of the action and he usually gets it. All important practical skills. His nanny also teaches him good habits, like sitting down at the table for meals with no television on, and good grooming, like always wearing pants instead of showing off his diapers.
Ryan's nanny does bring him outdoors in the late afternoon/evening. Sometimes they just go for a walk around the block. She brings him with her to buy fruit at the stall downstairs and the fruitseller talks to Ryan, admires his curls and gives him a free piece of fruit. Sometimes his nanny brings his push-along tricycle and he gets to go for a ride. Sometimes, they go into town. She/her daughter and Ryan have gone on the MRT and the bus before (Richard and I have yet to do that with Ryan!) to the shopping malls and the supermarket where Ryan helps with the groceries (putting them into the shopping cart, etc). Lots of opportunity to observe the world and to participate in day-to-day activities. Wonderful, wonderful.
Now, socialisation. Let me explain that there are different meanings/nuances to the term "socialisation" and when I get asked about socialisation, it is usually in the context of whether I am concerned that Ryan will have problems making friends or playing with others.
First let me say that I am not concerned about Ryan socialising with others at this age. My primary concern at this age is that he develops a rock-solid sense of security, wellbeing and identity. Once this happens, then it will be effortless for him to make friends, get along with teachers, etc. in the future. This is well supported by research - trying to socialise your child without going through the fundamental step of building your child's sense of self first can be detrimental to your child forming healthy relationships in the future.
Having said that, Ryan is not without opportunity to socialise with others while he is at his nanny's.
Ryan's nanny is constantly talking to him and I don't mean, "Eat your food" or "Time to nap" or "Wear your shoes". She actually makes conversation with him - how are you? how come you are so sleepy? did you stay up all night catching chickens? look at that flower! pass me the wipes please!
Ryan's nanny's husband is perhaps Ryan's greatest fan. He calls Ryan "Clever Boy", I've never heard him call Ryan anything else. He is Ryan's ball buddy - they are always playing toss and catch together.
Ryan's nanny and her husband have three grown-up daughters. Two are married and live elsewhere, they visit often. The eldest, Caroline, still lives with them. Caroline absolutely adores Ryan and is constantly playing with him and teaching him stuff - she is the one who taught him how to give a "hug hug" and a "kiss kiss", including how to give a flying kiss (smooching sound included). Ryan is always taking possession of her soft toys and she is always buying him new clothes and toys. She teaches Ryan that he must say "please" and "thank you". She is Ryan's gateway to Elmo - they watch Sesame Street on Youtube on her notebook, with Ryan on her lap.
During the school holidays, Ryan's nanny has a couple of nieces who like to stay over at her house. Ryan's nanny looked after them when they were young, so they are very close to her. They are also in love with Ryan and spend the whole day playing with him when they are there. They love Ryan so much that they even came to support him at one of Ryan's tubbing competitions!
When Ryan was about one year old, Ryan's nanny took another baby into her care, so Ryan had the chance to interact with this little baby and be a "big brother" for a change. Since last month, the little girl is no longer with Ryan's nanny (her parents put her in childcare to be with her older sister) so now it's just Ryan. Also, as mentioned, apart from all these wonderful and loving people who interact with Ryan, Ryan also gets to go out and meet people, whether his nanny's friends and neighbours or just people on the street. His nanny has lived in that area for many years now and she has many friends and is friendly with many of her neighbours so Ryan gets a taste of community life.
So there is definitely no lack of social interaction while Ryan is at his nanny's.
To round off my answer, I would add that, academically, Ryan is doing fine. He knows the entire alphabet and the letter sounds. He knows his numerals from 1-20. He knows his colours and he knows his shapes. He knows many animals and their sounds. He knows many songs and poems/rhymes and is familiar with many stories. He didn't need to go to pre-school to learn any of this. Richard and I taught him everything at home. His nanny may also have taught him these things, I don't know. I do know that she reinforces them during the day. Often she will tell me that Ryan can do this or he can do that. One day she told me, "He can recognise all the letters of the alphabet, even when they're upside down!" So I guess that she must be doing something with him that involves these concepts.
Summing up, Ryan is doing very well with the present arrangement and I would even say that he is doing better than if he were in pre-school. At the crux of it, he gets undivided love and attention the whole day long from his nanny and her family and, when he is not with them, from Richard and me. To me, that is fundamental to a toddler's life. Everything else can wait. When he's four or five, we'll re-visit the arrangement and see if his needs have changed but in the meantime, I'm in no hurry for school.
As I mentioned in my last post, one of Ryan's nanny's daughters got married over the weekend and we were invited to attend, both the church ceremony on Saturday and the dinner on Sunday.
It has truly been a long while since Richard and I attended a wedding together. We have long left the years when our friends were getting hitched, when there was a wedding to attend almost every few weeks, when we had to help out in wedding preparations and rally around the bride and the groom. Now and then, there is the colleague getting married but we usually go solo for those and there is zero involvement backstage.
This one was, however, Ryan's first experience. I think he handled it well. On both days, he was suffering from a lack of sleep, but he was still quite cheerful. Here are a few photos.
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| Peek-... |
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| - a - ... |
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| - boo! |
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| Eating the first of many courses at the dinner |
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| A Spongebob Squarepants lantern that Ryan's nanny got for him for the recent mooncake festival |
