I always hear parents going, "Wow, my son/daughter is xx years old now, how time flies!" I completely agree. I definitely feel that way sometimes.
Even though I see Ryan growing up everyday, it doesn't occur to me that he is actually growing up everyday, if you know what I mean. It's only when there is a special occasion, like a birthday or when something happens, like he breaks out in a dance or counts from 1 to 10, that I have these "wow" moments. Suddenly I see him with fresh eyes and then it strikes me that my little munchkin has "graduated" to the next stage of his life. That, I think, is why time seems to fly by. While I'm still thinking he's my baby, he's sneakily growing up under my nose. Sigh, another example of me not living in the present.
On the flip side, although I feel like it's just been a blip since Ryan was born, I also feel like I've been a parent for a long time.
Sometimes, you get to know someone and you get along so well that you feel like you've known them forever, even though you've just met. You know that feeling? Well, it's similar to how I feel about being a parent.
I feel I've been a parent for a long time. It feels natural, as if I've been doing it forever. As if I've never not been a parent.
It seems a lifetime ago when Richard and I were DINKs, partying and working hard. Our student days are even more removed and are the stuff of stories that I will tell my grandchildren one day. Oh how I loved those days. Now I'm a parent and oh how I love it too. Is there a difference between then and now? Well yes there is.
When we were studying, we were always looking out for the next test, the next exam, the next scholarship, the next paper qualification. When we were starting out in our careers, we were always looking to learn more, to achieve more, to take on more responsibility, to climb the ladder, to earn the accolades, to win the awards, to earn the right to do whatever people at the top do. We were incomplete, still striving towards a destination, a definable goal.
Being a parent, on the other hand, is completely different. We became parents the moment Ryan was born. If there is supposed to be a destination, we're already there. We have the right to do everything a parent can do - to care for another human being, to feed and clothe him, to bear responsibility for his education, to guide him as he grows up, to kiss away his bumps and bruises, to share his laughter and to enjoy his joy.
And the amazing thing is that, without any training or preparation, it comes naturally. Parents just know what to do. Oh, there certainly are a lot of (good) parenting books (and I have a small library of them), but I'm pretty sure that most parents (even those who bother to read those books/attend parenting courses) just wing it and just do what comes naturally and logically. That's definitely our parenting style, we just do what comes naturally and logically.
I should add that although we can't imagine not being parents, Richard and I certainly do not have baby on the brain all the time. Richard and I haven't changed. We're still Richard and Leona. We're parents of course, but we're not JUST parents. We're not just Ryan's daddy and Ryan's mummy and we work hard to maintain and look after those aspects that aren't strictly related to being a parent.
I remember a company dinner I attended about two Christmasses ago, when my colleagues at my table started talking about being parents. And one of them explained something to the rest of us which I completely agree with. He said that, it is generally true that, as compared to fathers, mothers have relatively more problems with their daughters-in-law. This is because, once the son is born, the mother gives the son precedence over her husband and herself. All she does revolves around the son. The marriage becomes a tri-partite affair. Sometimes even the husband is relegated to a lesser status in his own marriage as his views are disregarded and the mother insists that she, and not the father, knows what's best for the son. This sort of mother has no other identity other than being her son's mother. Apart from the problems it creates in the marriage, it also gives rise to problems when her son finds a wife. The mother is lost, she finds it difficult to let go and finds it difficult to accept that her daughter-in-law is "more important" than her and, in many ways, has taken her place. She insists on continuing to mother him and on making decisions for him. This causes friction with her daughter-in-law and sometimes, the problem is worsened because the son allows his mother to interfere (and the son's marriage also becomes a tri-partite affair).
Of course, my colleague made a generalisation, but I do agree with the message and the point of the observation, which is that, parents are not just parents and they should not just be parents, as otherwise they will do more harm than good, not only to themselves but to others.
Although parenthood is a huge part of who Richard and I are now, we still find ways to be ourselves, to be husband and wife, to be friends with our friends, to be family to our family. That's another reason why being a parent doesn't seem unnatural, difficult or stressful - we didn't have to do anything life changing. Of course, we made changes to our lifestyle, but we didn't make any changes to our lives. Hope you know what I mean. Being a parent is like putting on our favourite jacket over an outfit. The jacket improves our outfit and completes the look, but it can never be worn on its own. We have to have our own identity, an outfit, instead of relying on our children, our jackets, to give us an identity.
So here we are. Two people who have been parents for two years, who feel that they have been parents forever. I don't really know the reason why, but I suspect it's because we wouldn't want it any other way.
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