The Bub in the Belly

Ryan goes to a nanny when I am at work. One question that I get very often is, what does Ryan do there all day?

There seems to be a genuine concern that he isn't doing anything and that he isn't getting any mental stimulation or social interaction and there is an assumption that, because he is not in school, he is not maximising his potential.

Typically I get these questions from my friends here in Singapore. In fact, I've never been asked such questions by friends outside Singapore. In Singapore, when I mention our plans to send Ryan to school when he is 4 or 5 years old, there is a short awkward silence. After all, it is fairly unusual in Singapore.

There are countless pre-schools here that have seized the chance to capitalise on early childhood education, bringing forward the enrolment age earlier and even earlier. As recent as one generation ago, people were still enrolling their children at 5 and 6 years old, but in the last ten to fifteen years, the craze has gained phenomenal momentum and it has now become the default to enrol children at 2-3 years old. It is accepted without question by many parents that, since pre-schools have a class for this age, their children should be in it.

Personally, I can't see what happened to human evolution in the last ten to fifteen years that led us to conclude that human beings need as much help as we can get, as early as we can get it, hence the need for schooling at 2-3 years old. But well, that's how things are over here, no matter how inexplicable. Here's some trivia: read this 2008 BBC article for the historical reasons why children were sent to school at an early age (5 years) - one of the reasons was to get them away from the negative influence of their irresponsible parents!

Anyway, in Singapore, I find myself in the strange position of having to justify why I choose to keep Ryan out of pre-school until he is older. And when I say older, I am only talking about 4 or 5! It is the opposite when I speak to friends outside Singapore - I have to justify why my son is attending enrichment classes at the tender age of 2!

I'm not knocking people who send their children to pre-school at 2/3. Everyone has a different perspective and different circumstances and every parent has the right to decide what's best for the child. What's right for my son may not be right for their child and vice versa. This is my perspective and my choice for my son.

So how do I explain why I keep him out of school? Well, let me say that it is not easy because my answers are not the answers that these concerned people are looking for. They have a mental checklist of what a child should be doing or learning and my answers don't always fit on that checklist. His nanny doesn't have a curriculum or a syllabus that I can refer to and tick off.

To me, the huge benefit of spending the day at his nanny's is that he has formed a strong and loving relationship with his caregiver and he is surrounded with love and attention the whole day. There is a ton of research on how insecure attachment with a caregiver can prevent a child from forming healthy relationships with others. Loving care and attention are needed if children are to grow into adults capable of forming healthy relationships with others. Of course, Ryan has a secure relationship with Richard and me but that's not the issue here. The issue here is whether he is better off in school or at his nanny's. On this point, his nanny wins hands down.

However, this answer is usually not satisfactory to other people. It is too intangible. They want to know what Ryan is "doing". It doesn't count unless he is actually "doing" something. They usually bring up terms like mental stimulation and socialisation. So, let me jot down my response here as a note to myself.

First, mental stimulation.

Ryan is constantly exposed to language and conversation while at his nanny's. When he was learning his first words, his nanny taught him "flower", "ball", "bye bye", and a lot more. A couple of months ago, she told me that Ryan pointed up in the sky and said "Bird fly" (Ryan has yet to put together a sentence in my conversations with him). She taught him that he should go on the potty when he needs to "Ng Ng".

She buys books for him (at her own expense) and reads with him. She buys all kinds of toys for him (again, at her own expense) and many of these are toys which I would have chosen myself. I understand that he does watch some programmes on the telly - some Hi-5, some Spongebob, some Barney and some other children's programmes, but I think he doesn't get a lot of TV time because he is completely uninterested when we come across Spongebob or Barney in the stores. At the moment, he only has eyes for Elmo and since there are no Sesame Street programmes on television now, he definitely did not develop Elmo love from watching television.

When I pick Ryan up in the evening, he is usually playing. I have seen him playing with a shape sorter and some Lego. I have seen him running around throwing and catching a ball and dunking it into the basketball hoop. I have seen him cuddling and taking loving care of a soft toy. I have seen him dancing around to music. I have seen him yelling out the letters while watching Wheel of Fortune. I have seen him pretend to answer and talk on the telephone. I have seen him chuckling while watching Sesame Street on Youtube. I have seen him cuddling under a blanket on a mattress in the living room with his nanny. All great learning through play!

Of course, Ryan has got the stability of a routine at his nanny's. When he is dropped off in the morning, he gets his bath, then his lunch, some playtime and then it's naptime. Then, bath again, milk, playtime, dinner if I'm late and more playtime till I fetch him. He is also exposed to the daily rhythm of a household. He has never been put in a playpen and he is given the full run of the house. He sees his nanny cleaning the house, hanging the laundry, cooking lunch and dinner and answering the door/telephone and he normally wants a piece of the action and he usually gets it. All important practical skills. His nanny also teaches him good habits, like sitting down at the table for meals with no television on, and good grooming, like always wearing pants instead of showing off his diapers.

Ryan's nanny does bring him outdoors in the late afternoon/evening. Sometimes they just go for a walk around the block. She brings him with her to buy fruit at the stall downstairs and the fruitseller talks to Ryan, admires his curls and gives him a free piece of fruit. Sometimes his nanny brings his push-along tricycle and he gets to go for a ride. Sometimes, they go into town. She/her daughter and Ryan have gone on the MRT and the bus before (Richard and I have yet to do that with Ryan!) to the shopping malls and the supermarket where Ryan helps with the groceries (putting them into the shopping cart, etc). Lots of opportunity to observe the world and to participate in day-to-day activities. Wonderful, wonderful.

Now, socialisation. Let me explain that there are different meanings/nuances to the term "socialisation" and when I get asked about socialisation, it is usually in the context of whether I am concerned that Ryan will have problems making friends or playing with others.

First let me say that I am not concerned about Ryan socialising with others at this age. My primary concern at this age is that he develops a rock-solid sense of security, wellbeing and identity. Once this happens, then it will be effortless for him to make friends, get along with teachers, etc. in the future. This is well supported by research - trying to socialise your child without going through the fundamental step of building your child's sense of self first can be detrimental to your child forming healthy relationships in the future.

Having said that, Ryan is not without opportunity to socialise with others while he is at his nanny's.

Ryan's nanny is constantly talking to him and I don't mean, "Eat your food" or "Time to nap" or "Wear your shoes". She actually makes conversation with him - how are you? how come you are so sleepy? did you stay up all night catching chickens? look at that flower! pass me the wipes please!

Ryan's nanny's husband is perhaps Ryan's greatest fan. He calls Ryan "Clever Boy", I've never heard him call Ryan anything else. He is Ryan's ball buddy - they are always playing toss and catch together.

Ryan's nanny and her husband have three grown-up daughters. Two are married and live elsewhere, they visit often. The eldest, Caroline, still lives with them. Caroline absolutely adores Ryan and is constantly playing with him and teaching him stuff - she is the one who taught him how to give a "hug hug" and a "kiss kiss", including how to give a flying kiss (smooching sound included). Ryan is always taking possession of her soft toys and she is always buying him new clothes and toys. She teaches Ryan that he must say "please" and "thank you". She is Ryan's gateway to Elmo - they watch Sesame Street on Youtube on her notebook, with Ryan on her lap.

During the school holidays, Ryan's nanny has a couple of nieces who like to stay over at her house. Ryan's nanny looked after them when they were young, so they are very close to her. They are also in love with Ryan and spend the whole day playing with him when they are there. They love Ryan so much that they even came to support him at one of Ryan's tubbing competitions!

When Ryan was about one year old, Ryan's nanny took another baby into her care, so Ryan had the chance to interact with this little baby and be a "big brother" for a change. Since last month, the little girl is no longer with Ryan's nanny (her parents put her in childcare to be with her older sister) so now it's just Ryan. Also, as mentioned, apart from all these wonderful and loving people who interact with Ryan, Ryan also gets to go out and meet people, whether his nanny's friends and neighbours or just people on the street. His nanny has lived in that area for many years now and she has many friends and is friendly with many of her neighbours so Ryan gets a taste of community life.

So there is definitely no lack of social interaction while Ryan is at his nanny's.

To round off my answer, I would add that, academically, Ryan is doing fine. He knows the entire alphabet and the letter sounds. He knows his numerals from 1-20. He knows his colours and he knows his shapes. He knows many animals and their sounds. He knows many songs and poems/rhymes and is familiar with many stories. He didn't need to go to pre-school to learn any of this. Richard and I taught him everything at home. His nanny may also have taught him these things, I don't know. I do know that she reinforces them during the day. Often she will tell me that Ryan can do this or he can do that. One day she told me, "He can recognise all the letters of the alphabet, even when they're upside down!" So I guess that she must be doing something with him that involves these concepts.

Summing up, Ryan is doing very well with the present arrangement and I would even say that he is doing better than if he were in pre-school. At the crux of it, he gets undivided love and attention the whole day long from his nanny and her family and, when he is not with them, from Richard and me. To me, that is fundamental to a toddler's life. Everything else can wait. When he's four or five, we'll re-visit the arrangement and see if his needs have changed but in the meantime, I'm in no hurry for school.