The Bub in the Belly

Ryan will be skipping three weeks worth of classes over the next three weeks due to our travels. I'm not sure if he'll miss any of the classes but I think his teachers will miss him!

At PlayClub on Saturday, the feedback forms were distributed in anticipation of Parents' Chats in three weeks' time. As we will not be around, I filled up the form on the spot and during the outdoor play segment, Safina had a little one-to-one chat with me about my feedback and Ryan's progress. She said that Ryan has progressed very well in Playclub and she's happy that he knows the routine so well now.

I told her that I thought Ryan was bored - she said not at all! She said the children love the fact that there is a routine and they love that it is so repetitive.

Thinking about that, I think she's right. I realise that, when he goes through the motions, I never have to force him or even to prompt him, he goes ahead and does whatever is needed according to the routine and he does it happily. He doesn't pay attention when he knows he doesn't have to pay attention, but that is not necessarily a sign of boredom - it could simply be that he knows the routine so well that he is contented, secure and reassured enough to just sit back and relax.

After all, that's the point of having a routine - so that the child will have some stability, comfort and reassurance once he is used to the routine. Yet the moment that Ryan perfected the routine, I started worrying that he was bored. I forgot that this is the time for him to enjoy the fact that he knows the routine like the back of his hand. I forgot that there is value in letting him enjoying all the benefits that he has earned - the stability, comfort and reassurance of repetition.

Isn't it interesting how I misread what was going on? I knew he was enjoying himself but I still thought he was bored - I forgot the simple principle that a bored child will not be a happy child and Ryan is certainly happy in class!

Safina also mentioned, in our little chat, that she wished there was more "bonding" with Ryan, although this wasn't a criticism on his development - it was just a personal wish on her part because she really adores him.

Ryan has a natural wariness when it comes to people, he's very cautious by nature and he takes his time to size you up and decide if you're friend or foe. As for physical affection, he regards it as a privilege to be bestowed on special people. He isn't the sort who will let everyone and anyone hug and kiss him and he certainly will not hug and kiss everyone and anyone. His teachers love to catch him and ask him for a hug and they usually have to settle for a high-five.

I am perfectly ok with that. The way I see it, Ryan has forged strong relationships with certain people and he reserves his physical affection for these special people. That's the way it should be. I don't want Ryan to be going around hugging and kissing everyone, regardless of how whether he knows the person or not. I'm happy that Ryan is learning how to develop healthy relationships and that includes going through the steps sequentially, in their logical order. In other words, let's get to know each other better before we hug and kiss, shall we?

No matter how affectionate a person is, he/she isn't going to be going around and hugging and kissing everyone. There has to be a line somewhere - we don't hug the waiter at the restaurant, we don't kiss the cab-driver when we get to our destination, we don't go around touching strangers on the street.

For adults, the group of people to whom we shower physical affection grows slowly - as our family grows, as we make more friends, when we fall in love. That's natural, isn't it? So, why is it that, for our children, we do it backwards - we expect them to be physically affectionate to everyone and then slowly cut back on that physical affection as they grow older? We want them to think that the world is full of love but slowly, as they grow up, we teach them that this lady isn't for hugging, that man isn't for kissing, you have to stop touching people. Why don't we take a more positive approach and let them start with a small group of special people which they can widen as they grow older? Wouldn't that be a happier way to do it?

I always hear other parents talking about how there are all these wonderful teachers who hug and kiss all the students in school - those are definitely wonderful teachers, but I always wonder whether I really want everyone to be hugging and kissing my son? Well, I don't mind, but it is certainly not a deal-breaker for me if the teachers are less touchy-feely.

Hugs and kisses may seem very innocent now, as we are talking about two year olds, but, being wary and cautious is actually part of normal childhood development - it is nature's way to protect the young from being led astray by strangers/predators. So that's another concern.

I do know children who are adorably affectionate to all and sundry and I wonder what we would do if Ryan had turned out to be an effusively affectionate child? How would we deal with it?

Interesting food for thought.

I think, at the very least, I would teach him that, having a relationship with someone is a necessary requirement for physical affection, and the more physical affection you give/receive, the stronger that relationship should be first. That's the key to making all those hugs and kisses a genuine expression of love.